Step 1: Drive to Bed Bath and Beyond. Whatever you do, don't walk there. You might burn a calorie or two, thereby screwing with your ability to choose the most accurate scale.

Step 2: Circle the parking lot several times to identify the most convenient space possible. (See explanation in Step 1.)

Step 3: Locate the bathroom scales, and place one of each of them on the floor. You may safely eliminate any scale costing $50 or more from this process. A $50+ scale will only tell you more than you want to know, like the amount of body fat you're sporting, how much your individual organs weigh, or whether you're having a good hair day. Also, who the heck wants to pay more than $50 for a scale?!

Step 4: Step on the scales one at a time. This step is the most excruciating by far. Did I mention you should try to visit the store at a time when it's relatively empty? Like at 4:00 AM on Christmas Day?

Step 5: Remember stepping on all those scales in Step 4? Well, the one that gave you the SMALLEST NUMBER when you stepped on it is your winner!

So what inspired this riveting post? At his physical in 2007, my husband weighed *cough192cough* pounds, an all-time high. After vowing to watch what he ate in the coming year, he very diligently watched the ice cream travel all the way from the Baskin Robbins around the corner to his face. This morning, I asked him to step onto the scale to prove my hypothesis that instead of losing weight in the past year, he had gained it. The result? 189, three pounds LESS than last year! He thinks he has discovered a revolutionary weight loss plan!!! To no avail have I tried to explain that our bathroom scale was purchased in the manner above. In other words, not only do I know that it lies, but I bought it specifically for this reason. In related news, please look for my husband's new book, The Rocky Road to Weight Loss, in stores this fall.